Want vs Sense; Sense vs Butterflies
I know what this feeling is. Letting go.
I’ve felt it before. This inner struggle of want and sense.
Your heavy heart fighting the butterflies in your stomach.
That heavy heart overflowing with the tears you wish you could weep.
But you just don’t have the strength to cry.
I wish those butterflies would drown.
As morbid as that thought may be.
Because if they were gone, my heavy heart would have nothing to dampen.
And perhaps then I could go on to someone new.
Even if they flew away, far away.
Or even close enough to catch them.
Label the jar “fragile do not touch.”
Or “Harmful and Hazardous: Avoid contact with heart.”
I wish I didn’t have them but they’re the closest thing I have to you.
Maybe that’s why I’m holding on.
I just don’t want to let you go.
So I stand there, holding back the tears.
Not because I’m scared to cry, but to prevent them drowning butterflies.
Sense tells me to move on. Time and time again.
Long before my misery.
Do I listen?
Do I fuck.
But I knew it was there, and you’d think that would prepare you for an emotional suicide. But no.
Note to self, “butterflies kick senses butt. Get rid of butterflies.”
“In my dreams.”
What we say when something can’t be true.
It must be why when I’m in my dreams I’m with you.
We can’t happen. Not only because I don’t want it to, but because- well.
That would be more than just a silly poem.
I wish I could cry. Crying might get it out.
But all I can muster is tears in my eyes.
Which sting as I walk through the cold night air.
Wandering aimlessly, looking at the stars in the sky.
Hoping that at least some of them spell out goodbye.
Because that word just doesn’t seem to exist.
And why? Why? Why?
I ask over and over.
Why do you do this to yourself? Time and again.
Butterflies. Butterflies is why.
I wish sometimes there was no such thing as love.
No searching, no hoping, no believing it’s out there.
No attachment, no hurting, no drowning butterflies.
Because love and butterflies are one and the same.
They start of small and grow larger.
They’re both colourful and wild.
They’re fragile when you have them.
And too often they just fly away.
Who knew eh?
Did I listen?
Did I fuck.
I just wanted you to hold me. Still do.
Always the person you can’t have, always the one you need more than anyone.
And I just want to let them go.
Just watch them fly, float on by.
For the sake of a crappy rhyme.
Because I just don’t have the time.
Because my diary is full of butterflies.