Alone

So it’s been a long time guys since I wrote something at the start of a Poem. It’s been a tough year, 2016, probably the worst in my life. But coming to the close of this year, and with a tough couple of weeks ahead, I find myself reflecting on some of the poems I wrote when I was younger. 

I think I’m going to begin posting them in the next couple of days to archive them. Having written them when I was 14-15 years old, I now find myself 7 or 8 (we’ll stick with 7) years older, looking at them with a maturity that I didn’t have then. 

It’s nice to know that some parts of my life got exceptionally better, but life isn’t always happy. I’d like to re-post some of my younger work, in hope that a similar kid can read them, perhaps with the same innocence, and find hope in knowing that 7 years later, I can tell them that believe it or not it does get better, that life will be hard, but never to give up. 

Many of you will remember them from my Blogspot days, and I hope you look back at them with the same smile on your face that I have held the last couple of days. Who knew what I had ahead of me back then, and boy has my writing improved! 

Here’s the first, 

Alone 

I sit here in sorrow, as the world passes by.
My eyes fill with tears, and i just have to cry.
I am just a king on God’s board of chess.
Satans got him checked and my life’s a mess.
Someone please help me, I am so alone.
Rotting away to just skin and bone.
I need someone to give me their love.
And watch on when they’re gone and up above.
All feelings are gone and i’m dying inside.
I don’t know weather to stand up or hide.
I have feelings that no one should know.
But I gave them out in one last throw.
Loved ones hands were made to hold.
Even if they’re hot, warm or bitterly cold.
Their arms were made for hugging, Stealing our love in an emotional mugging.
Their hearts made for devotion, love and emotion.
Love which we will treasure forever and ever.

Constant abuse and constant hate.
Can’t do anything, can’t concentrate.
All this stuff is all inside locked away.
All I have left is to plea in pray.
I’m hating life wish it would end.
All I need is the one special friend.
Someone to love and call my own.
The world wouldn’t be so bleak and I wouldnt feel alone.
Loved ones hands were made to hold.
Even if they’re hot, warm or bitterly cold.
Their arms were made for hugging. Stealing our love in an emotional mugging.
Their hearts made for devotion, love and emotion.
Love which we will treasure forever and ever.

Then I see his glance, I catch his eye.
I away wipe my tears and he says, “Hi”
Maybes he’s who I’ve been waiting for?
My heart is racing and I feel I could soar.
Now I have someone to call my own.
I am happy, no longer alone.
I love him he’s a perfect guy.
I’m waving my sadness and sorrow goodbye.
I now have a loved ones hand to hold.
If it’s hot warm or bitterly cold.
I use my arms to wrap around him constantly hugging.
Stealing his love in an emotional mugging.
My heart will give him devotion, love and emotion.
All of which he’ll treasure forever and ever.

Davie Magill

Snowflakes

Snowflakes

A hurting in my chest that winds me; pushing any water drops up through my body until they’re pushed out through my eyes. Those tears trickle. They fall, and they’re caught. Caught by the bed upon which I lie, as I toss and turn through heart-wrenching nights. 

I wish that I was a single teardrop. Only to tickle down someone’s cheek when they are so sad that they can only smile at the feeling. I long to smile. It’s been a long time since I haven’t displayed this poker face. This knight in shining armour, still bearing his helmet, looking like any other. Unrecognisable until he is released from his shiney tomb. By true love’s first kiss. 

But life is not a fairy tale, and people come and go. Heartbreak happens, on the battlefield that lays waste to love. True love. 

That love hurts most. Whether you cause it, or have felt it. Heartbreak can only bring tears to those who have experienced all that it has brought, and all that can be lost. 

Those teardrops that fall can turn to ice; cooled by what feels like is left inside as they drip and fall. A stone cold heart, torn apart on that battlefield, making you believe you’ll never love again.

And like a snowflake falling upon you, love a subtle feeling; nesting on your cheek, through single blush, or a person’s kiss can just as quickly and as fast as snow, melt away. 

Even the biggest snowmen we build, over years, decades, moments. It can all melt away. Ice turns to water, and just like water, love just trickles through no matter how we hold on. 

So next time I cry, I promise to cry snowflakes. I promise to catch them, as they trickle down my face and I’ll think of you. Think of what we’ll have. A snowman so big that not even the sun could melt it. 

But as those tears just melt away, I’ll still have hope. Hope that one day I’ll find you and you’ll catch them. Hope that you and me can build that snowman. Hope that we’ll never let it go.

When that day comes, I’ll hold it’s hand and I promise I’ll not let it slip away. You in one hand, him in the other; like a minister in the marriage of the love between us, promising that nothing will ever tear us apart. 

And when I find you, and when I taste true love’s kiss in my own little fairy tale. That’s when I’ll take off my armour, take off this poker face; because I want to look into your eyes. Nothing in life can be so beautiful as that little twinkle when face to face with that one you love. That’s the snowflake. That twinkle. That’s what I’ll catch. That’s how I know you’ll always love me. Because true love stops snowflakes from melting away. 

Davie Magill

Meant to be

 

Meant to be

We sat there by the shore, I felt how I did before.
I lay my head on your shoulder, whispered, “I love you more.”
You stood in front of me, as I looked out to see.
A metaphor behind your shoulder, the tide could only be.
My hand it found your knee, and I gave it a squeeze;
Because sometimes words aren’t needed, something physical can be the key.
I watched you on the sand, I wish I didn’t feel this way but love is never planned.
I felt a beating in my chest. I put your hand on it to rest.
I heard my heart it beat your name to you, all that I could feel was stress.
We sat down in your car, we were so close I could touch you, I’ve never felt so far.
I’ll think of you before I sleep, no different to each evening, can’t concentrate on sheep.
I’ll wish I could be with you, without the heartache of today.
And I’ll wish I could be near you, without wanting you to stay.
I can’t imagine life without you, so I won’t tell you how I feel,
For now I’ll live with heartache, my heart can only dream. 
You’ll cuddle up beside me, and everything will seem, just how life should always be.
You lying here with me. How can feelings inside us cost so much, when dreaming’s always free.
Why do I keep hanging on, it’s never meant to be.

Davie Magill

Cavity

Cavity

I just want to sit right here and cry
I just want the tears to come, and not these butterflies
I ask myself why?

Why do I feel how I feel when I’m with you?
Why do I lose control and not say what I want to you?
How do I do this thing we call love with you?
I’ve lost control, because there’s only one loving two.

The mountains are tall, and I’m just too small.
To climb to the top of the weight on my chest.
I used to wear these scars like a crest,
But I’m not proud enough of this love to show it.

I want the moment to last a little longer,
When I’m in your arms I only feel stronger,
A hug lasts for seconds, but in ten seconds we’re older.
But i hide from my heart, grow only the bolder.

Butterflies they float around, before and then after.
Inside I feel a deafening laughter.
Why can’t I pull away from your gravity,
Dead butterflies inside are leaving this cavity.

A space filled with the tears from my eyes,
A space inside where my heart often cries.
Trying to wash away the pain of loving you.
Moving on is just what I want to do.

David

Fade

Fade

The pillow where you laid your head.
The smell of you still haunts my bed.
And as I fall asleep to dream.
I wonder how things could have been.

Intentions of us were not clear,
I did not want love to appear.
And now I feel there’s only you.
But loneliness will have to do.

It hurts that you’re not in my arms.
It hurts that I can’t keep you from harm.
I can learn to love again.
Someday you will forget my name.

I place my hand where I held you near.
And now I know what it is to fear.
Love always seems to have a cost.
Without you in my life I’m lost.

So long as you have happiness.
I’ll at least have semi-bliss.
You’ll always be inside my heart.
It’s been that way right from the start.

Tears I have are bound to stain.
Memories of the pain.
No matter how long, I feel the same.
I cannot win, this is love’s game.

This is not goodbye, nor is it hello.
I just know that I have got to go.
Hopefully my love will fade away,
But I fear you’re in my heart to stay.

Davie Magill

The Shattered Dreams of Broken Future Memories

The Shattered Dreams of Broken Future Memories

It wasn’t love that broke my heart. It was dreaming. I’m a dreamer. I was born in wonderland, fell out of the rabbit hole aged 11 days, 7 hours, 17 minutes and 37 seconds. Only to be collected by a stork, who soon passed me on to a new family. God’s own private courier, who wraps each of us up, and delivers us itself, stamped, packaged and addressed all in a single strand of DNA.

Maybe I’m as mad as a hatter, maybe I’m as crazy as the queen of hearts herself. But perhaps babies cry when they’re born because they’re heartbroken. We all are. Fuelled by past lives, filled with love, and hurt. Only to die one day of a broken heart, before being cast back to earth for one last try. We all deserve love. But heartache explains people who have issues with trust, heartache explains why with the first breath of life we cry, and why we hold our first love so dear; they fix us.

“I’m late, I’m late, for a very important date.”

Maybe we all are. Maybe we all should have been born just a little earlier, just to spend ever so slightly longer; with whoever we may love. I’m a dreamer, just like Alice, falling back down the rabbit hole. I’m a dreamer; and dreaming broke my heart.

Dreaming of what might be, what could be, what I might feel should have been. Plans for the future, plans for whatever lies ahead, you and me. Together in my dreamland. Wonderland.

But dreams aren’t based on reality. Dreams are so easily crushed. It wasn’t love that broke my heart. It was the shattered dreams of broken future memories. Ever since we were children we were taught we could achieve our dreams; and nothing fuels dreaming more than love.

I was brought up on a fairy tale. Taught by every Disney princess I’d find my prince. I dreamed. Maybe if I had dreamed just a little harder I’d still have him, whoever he may be. I’ve loved and lost, princes, paupers, kings. Taught that dreams are as fragile as bubbles, you gotta just put your hands out and hold it because if you hold too tight…*pop*…

I love love. Love always gave me hope. Love always told me my dreams can and will come true. But when I broke my heart I blamed love, when all I really was was heartbroken over broken dreams. So to each and every one of you. I might have loved, and who I’ve lost. My dreams may have changed now. But my love cannot be lost.

So I’ll sit here dreaming. Of the love that might have been. Right down deep in wonderland; playing wonderland croquet, with queen.

Davie Magill

Cal 

I never wanted to put this one up. I never thought I would, but it was a part of my past, the same as all the others. And tonight feels like the right night out of all of them.

Cal

I don’t even know how to say it. Those first three letters of your name trapped on my tongue, because I’m so upset I stutter when I speak, even more than usual.

“Cal, Cal, Cal” falling from my tongue like raindrops in the wind. Blowing my hope away; and no matter how much I try I just can’t get it out, and those tears begin to trickle down my face.

I know it was my fault you said goodbye. I know that we’re a not so distant memory trapped inside the archives of my heart. Filed under C. A C drive that’s been filled so many times with all those happy memories of us.

I never wanted to fight. I just wanted to talk and hold your hand, I wanted to squeeze on tight whenever I was hurt or sad. I needed you, I still do, in one way or another. Just so you can help me say your name.

“Cal, C-C-Cal, C-Cal,” it still won’t come. It still won’t leave my tongue, but it’s written in these tears dripping on this page I write on now. Because just thinking of your name reduces me to tears. And each Cal seems to represent a fragment of this broken heart.

I lift those teddies you gave to me. We named them after us. C-Cal, and D-Davie. Two bears that still love each other. Two bears who once brought comfort to these shaking hands. Nothing. I still can’t say your name.

I need a walk, so I lift my keys and the wallet you gave me. A Christmas present. Those tears begin to pour onto the soft worn leather. Worn because I frequented it so often, looking at the picture of your little face trapped inside. Each visit a step back to a memory. A memory of you and me forever preserved by pictures of that time.

I take it out and sit. Staring at your smile. Those brown eyes staring back at me. I see a love you don’t have now. That little smile, a smile that I can still remember, like looking through a window into yesterday. A smile my smile visited too little of the time. Drip. Now that smile distorted, by my tear ending time.

I scrunch it up in my hand. And I bow over. Because I can’t raise myself it hurts so deep inside. Because if I knew then, what I know now, I’d have never let you go. “C-Cal,” I’d have never let you go, I’d hold you in my arms forever, you and I, frozen in time. With you I could sit and write, word for word, how I loved you, rhyme after rhyme.

I still can. I still love you C-Cal. But I miss you. I miss the times you made me laugh, I miss how we could speak and you seemed to make everything better. I miss having you here because the truth is. I’m scared.

I’m scared of what will happen. I’m scared of my health and my heart not holding out. I’m scared of my home, and whether or not I’ll have a place to stay come the end of the year. I’m scared of college and this new adventure and education that awaits me.

I’m scared of losing you. A friend, a best friend long before a partner. I’m scared of losing that. And I’m scared of facing everything without you. Just because you made everything okay. You were a comfort. You were everything I ever needed, everything I ever wanted, and someone I cherished and loved so much.

But what scares me most of all. What scares me more than anything. Is not being able to say your name. “C-Cal”, please. Help me say it. If even for a moment. If even you could hold my hand, and tell me, “Everything’s gonna be okay,” just say it, just so I can say “Goodbye, C-Cal”.

I sit there, those tears dripped down my shirt, only on me an hour ago. Already ruined. You liked this shirt. You always did. And you liked these jeans, and you liked that cardigan, that jumper, this aftershave, this, that, everything. Everything reminds me of you.

“C-Cal,” I can’t. I can’t say it, and I can’t go on like this. I just can’t take it anymore. I never thought love could ever cause this. A feeling so simple, so beautiful, but a feeling that can shatter a heart in an instant. I hate myself for causing this.

Maybe I’m just seeking to blame someone else. Maybe that’s why I tried to blame you and I know I was wrong. Because it feels like it was all my fault. I’m the cause of my own misery; and writing this has just opened my eyes to all those problems there between us, problems I caused.

But I’ll never read this back, and I’ll never know what I did, because every time I go to pull the page, it breaks. Made fragile by these tears that seem to want to erase you, from each cranny of my heart. And it’s pulling me apart, because I never wanted to let you go.

Now I must go. Because I’m done, my chest aches from all I’ve done. My body bent and broken by this shattered heart, which was smashed when I seemingly gave you the hammer and said “Go on, give it your best shot.”

Maybe that’s what being human is. Not that you make mistakes. Not that we’re all the same. Maybe being human is the fact that we feel like concrete when it comes to love. I once thought my love could never move. But I know now, my love was as fragile as a dove.

Now fluttering away. Now escaping from this pain, this life, through the only way I know how. Getting lost in my writing until it all just becomes too much, using each line to bring me closer and closer to my knees. Heart beating faster and faster, then falling to a crunch.

And as I hit the floor I can almost hear those pieces of my heart, spilt across the floor, echoing like a falling chandelier, breaking into a million un-fixable pieces, that can only be fixed by one word.

But as I go, I go to say it, and the words won’t come. I stutter. Because trapped on my tongue are those first three letters of your name. The word that just won’t come. “C-C-Cal” and then I slowly whisper, “Goodbye”

David Magill