Comfort Love

Comfort Love

Here’s that pain again, we just can’t live apart.
It hurts more than my body, my mind is just the start.
It feels just like a hammer, on a rope inside my chest.
It swings around with sadness, with love that doesn’t rest.
My mind it has been broken, because of someone’s lust.
A part of me is missing, I’ve lost the will to trust.

Illuminate my sorrow, with the flame inside my eyes.
I feel this inner anger, a part of your demise?
Love is my only comfort, the other man who makes me cry.
Because each time he breaks my heart, he first makes the pain subside.
It’s you I try to chase, the thoughts won’t let me stand.
I cry as I bow over, I’m a jug poured in your hand.

I’m chasing you in circles, through the corridors of my mind.
I only see more questions, it tears me up inside.
I ask myself the question, “How did I end up here?”
To carry on as normal is to pretend I don’t feel fear.
The fear that you still touch me, this damage you have caused.
But I don’t know the details, just the parts that weren’t on pause.

And I’m losing hope, and a part of me is gone.
I cannot bear to face myself, even my reflection feels so wrong.
Quivering lip, teary eyes, I don’t know which way to go.
The memories play on repeat, and they’re just the ones I know.
I feel I’m in a roundabout, don’t know what road to choose.
I wish I could just stop the thoughts, what were the drugs you used?

I cannot flee this monster, this weight that haunts my soul.
I don’t know if this is fight or flight, because you’ve still got control.
What is it that you do? When friends don’t know what to say?
If a God did let this happen, I won’t waste time to pray.
I cannot find a comfort, except the pain of love.
I’m drowning in this ocean, and there’s no one up above.

I don’t know what hurts more, what you’ve done to me?
Or the love I feel for him? A pain no one else can see.
And I don’t know what to do, whenever people stare.
I just keep zoning out. Is anybody there?
What hurts more than love? Perhaps this other pain.
But at least when love is over, it doesn’t hurt to love again.

Davie Magill

Advertisements

Alone

So it’s been a long time guys since I wrote something at the start of a Poem. It’s been a tough year, 2016, probably the worst in my life. But coming to the close of this year, and with a tough couple of weeks ahead, I find myself reflecting on some of the poems I wrote when I was younger. 

I think I’m going to begin posting them in the next couple of days to archive them. Having written them when I was 14-15 years old, I now find myself 7 or 8 (we’ll stick with 7) years older, looking at them with a maturity that I didn’t have then. 

It’s nice to know that some parts of my life got exceptionally better, but life isn’t always happy. I’d like to re-post some of my younger work, in hope that a similar kid can read them, perhaps with the same innocence, and find hope in knowing that 7 years later, I can tell them that believe it or not it does get better, that life will be hard, but never to give up. 

Many of you will remember them from my Blogspot days, and I hope you look back at them with the same smile on your face that I have held the last couple of days. Who knew what I had ahead of me back then, and boy has my writing improved! 

Here’s the first, 

Alone 

I sit here in sorrow, as the world passes by.
My eyes fill with tears, and i just have to cry.
I am just a king on God’s board of chess.
Satans got him checked and my life’s a mess.
Someone please help me, I am so alone.
Rotting away to just skin and bone.
I need someone to give me their love.
And watch on when they’re gone and up above.
All feelings are gone and i’m dying inside.
I don’t know weather to stand up or hide.
I have feelings that no one should know.
But I gave them out in one last throw.
Loved ones hands were made to hold.
Even if they’re hot, warm or bitterly cold.
Their arms were made for hugging, Stealing our love in an emotional mugging.
Their hearts made for devotion, love and emotion.
Love which we will treasure forever and ever.

Constant abuse and constant hate.
Can’t do anything, can’t concentrate.
All this stuff is all inside locked away.
All I have left is to plea in pray.
I’m hating life wish it would end.
All I need is the one special friend.
Someone to love and call my own.
The world wouldn’t be so bleak and I wouldnt feel alone.
Loved ones hands were made to hold.
Even if they’re hot, warm or bitterly cold.
Their arms were made for hugging. Stealing our love in an emotional mugging.
Their hearts made for devotion, love and emotion.
Love which we will treasure forever and ever.

Then I see his glance, I catch his eye.
I away wipe my tears and he says, “Hi”
Maybes he’s who I’ve been waiting for?
My heart is racing and I feel I could soar.
Now I have someone to call my own.
I am happy, no longer alone.
I love him he’s a perfect guy.
I’m waving my sadness and sorrow goodbye.
I now have a loved ones hand to hold.
If it’s hot warm or bitterly cold.
I use my arms to wrap around him constantly hugging.
Stealing his love in an emotional mugging.
My heart will give him devotion, love and emotion.
All of which he’ll treasure forever and ever.

Davie Magill

Meant to be

 

Meant to be

We sat there by the shore, I felt how I did before.
I lay my head on your shoulder, whispered, “I love you more.”
You stood in front of me, as I looked out to see.
A metaphor behind your shoulder, the tide could only be.
My hand it found your knee, and I gave it a squeeze;
Because sometimes words aren’t needed, something physical can be the key.
I watched you on the sand, I wish I didn’t feel this way but love is never planned.
I felt a beating in my chest. I put your hand on it to rest.
I heard my heart it beat your name to you, all that I could feel was stress.
We sat down in your car, we were so close I could touch you, I’ve never felt so far.
I’ll think of you before I sleep, no different to each evening, can’t concentrate on sheep.
I’ll wish I could be with you, without the heartache of today.
And I’ll wish I could be near you, without wanting you to stay.
I can’t imagine life without you, so I won’t tell you how I feel,
For now I’ll live with heartache, my heart can only dream. 
You’ll cuddle up beside me, and everything will seem, just how life should always be.
You lying here with me. How can feelings inside us cost so much, when dreaming’s always free.
Why do I keep hanging on, it’s never meant to be.

Davie Magill

Fade

Fade

The pillow where you laid your head.
The smell of you still haunts my bed.
And as I fall asleep to dream.
I wonder how things could have been.

Intentions of us were not clear,
I did not want love to appear.
And now I feel there’s only you.
But loneliness will have to do.

It hurts that you’re not in my arms.
It hurts that I can’t keep you from harm.
I can learn to love again.
Someday you will forget my name.

I place my hand where I held you near.
And now I know what it is to fear.
Love always seems to have a cost.
Without you in my life I’m lost.

So long as you have happiness.
I’ll at least have semi-bliss.
You’ll always be inside my heart.
It’s been that way right from the start.

Tears I have are bound to stain.
Memories of the pain.
No matter how long, I feel the same.
I cannot win, this is love’s game.

This is not goodbye, nor is it hello.
I just know that I have got to go.
Hopefully my love will fade away,
But I fear you’re in my heart to stay.

Davie Magill

Christian 1

For those of you around long enough to remember the story of Christian from my old blog. I am starting again and re-writing and releasing the chapters. Whilst they’ll still be edited again eventually, they’re the first draft of the story for now. Hope you all enjoy.

Christian 1

It all started that cold November night, back when I was younger. I was at youth group with a friend of mine. We went to it each week together for 2 years. He was my best friend, and I could never have asked for a better friend at the time. I remember shouting at him across the busy youth hall. “Nathan! I’m headed home if you want to come with?” The hall was in pandemonium. Boys playing on the pool tables, bouncing basketballs or playing football. Girls watching those boys, eating sweets and gossiping. It was a typical Friday evening. Nathan was the coolest guy in the room, nothing phased him. Not the basketballs flying over his head, not the girls whispering behind their hands and pointing at him, not the guys all shouting his name. He just smiled and winked at everyone, completely composed and charming anyone who caught his eye.
            He turned and gave me a nod of acknowledgement as he began to bounce a ball up from the ground. The bang echoed in the hall amongst the squeaks of shoes as rubber soles slid across the glossy wooden floor. Nathan spun and threw the ball, turning away as it glided through the air. He seemed to do it in seconds, but the ball seemed to move in slow motion as it made its way over the many heads below. There was a swoosh followed by several smacks as it bounced against the wood. He made the shot. “Come on then, can’t stand there gawking all day,” he laughed brushing past me. I turned and followed him, shaking my head in disbelief.
            Nathan had me gripped. I had always felt this way about him and I didn’t know why. I admired him, I always had. He was loyal, always finding time for a friend in need. He was cocky and confident, managing to get a number, or a tongue down his throat after talking to any girl. He was smart, funny, always up for a laugh. He had been my best friend since we were little, the two of us were inseparable. Perhaps it was his unpredictability, not knowing what he was going to do next. He was always full of surprises, like any cocky show-off. Then there was his physical appearance. He was good-looking. His hair always sat perfectly, this beautiful shade of dark brown with lighter shades here and there; shorter on the sides, slightly longer on the top and always sitting up and to the left. These beautiful blue eyes which always seemed bluer whenever he was showing off or when something mischievous crossed his mind. Broad shoulders, tight chest, and a cheeky grin that seemed to be the centrepiece of his irresistible charm.
            We reached the hill I lived on, a single dead-ended street with houses up either side. My house was on the peak of the hill and it always left us out of breath walking up to it. Especially on these cold winter evenings. Nathan was walking me home as he always did, before making his own way home to a street about fifteen minutes away. This week though my parents were away. It was their anniversary and they were away for a few days, due to be back on the Sunday morning. The automatic light sensed us as we entered the driveway, illuminating our path down to the porch.
            “You want to head on home?” I asked, “It is getting dark.”
            “I thought I was coming over here for a nightcap!” he joked.
            “You can if you want, nobody will know any alcohol is missing.”
            “Go on then,” he said gesturing towards the door as that cheeky grin crossed his face.
            I put my key in the door which clicked as I turned it anti-clockwise. I pushed the handle down and opened the door into my empty home. The hallway was dark and I began wandering towards the light switch as Nathan closed the door behind us. I expected him to jump on me in the dark, or try and scare me in some way. Had he been younger he’d have hauled me to the ground and playfully punched or nipped my sides. The light came on above us, a dull orange glow that was barely a resolution to the darkness. Nathan took off his coat and hung it over the handle on cloakroom door, he was familiar with my house having been to it many times before so knew he could make himself at home.
            “What shall we start off with then?”
            “Vodka?” Nathan asked.
            “Okay, yeah, we should have some vodka,” I said opening the drinks cabinet. I found the bottle and took two shot glasses out of the cupboard to the side. I set them on the dining room table, and poured out two shots; one being significantly fuller than the other.
            “That one’s yours!” he laughed.
            “What? No, it was your idea!”
            Nathan quickly lifted the smaller shot and downed it. He was silent for a second as he tried not to screw up his face or spit it out.
            “Your turn!” he answered cheekily.
            “Oh fuck you!”
            I lifted the shot and poured the contents into my mouth, trying to force the vile taste down my throat. I couldn’t. Not even my throat wanted the bitter liquid and I felt that two things could happen. I spit it out all over Nathan and my dining room or I run to the kitchen sink. I settled with the latter.
            “Never again!” I shouted at him between spits.
            “You not like it then?” he replied sarcastically. I could even picture his smug little face in my mind.
            “Fuck you! Seriously!”
            We both laughed. I took two glasses out of the cupboard and opened the fridge, searching for something to get the taste out of our mouths. I found two ice cold Colas in the door and took them out and carried them into the living room where Nathan was already sat, texting away to someone on his phone.
            “It’s half ten Nathan, you can’t see the neighbours’ houses for how dark it is. You sure you don’t want to get going? What is your mum going to say?”
            “I suppose I better actually.” He set down the can he was about to open and got up walking towards the hall. I followed him, staring at everything he did. How he put on his coat, how he checked his phone before putting it back into his pocket. He was fascinating.
            “What?” he questioned looking back at me.
            “What? Uh, nothing, nothing at all,” I snapped out of my gaze.
            “Didn’t your mum tell you it was rude to stare?” he grinned. I grinned back turning towards the door to let him out.
            Before I opened it we gave each other our usual hug before we parted ways. The hug lasted a little longer than usual and we lingered in each other’s arms. Sensing that this might have been a little uncomfortable I questioned him, “Come on, get home before it gets any colder.”
            I opened the door, feeling a rush of cold air invade the house. He leant in again for another hug, this time placing his right hand on the back of my head. He leant back and looked at me, tightening his grip on the back of my head as he did. Our breaths were now visible as they waged war between us in the cold night air.
            “You better get going,” I said panicked. I felt his left hand gentle pull the bottom of my shirt. I leant in, now forehead to forehead we stared into each other’s eyes. His left hand slowly made its way up and rested on my chest. Pushing me away yet holding me to stay. I looked down at it. He lifted it and tucked his finger under my chin before slowly raising my head to look at his. My eyes were moving in frenzy, focusing on his lips I tried to control myself and look away or at another part of his face.
            “Nate-,” I whispered.
            We leant in towards one another, our lips meeting as it felt they should. We started to kiss, slowly and tenderly before becoming more and more breathless and passionate. He still had grip on the back of my head, and I found my right hand gripping him just the same.
            We stopped and looked at each other forehead to forehead like we were before, still gripped in each other’s hands. Slowly we let go and distanced from one another.
            “I better go, it’s getting dark,” he said sounding upset, before turning and walking hurriedly up the driveway.
            I wanted to call after him but I stopped myself. I had no idea what had just happened. I closed the door and wandered to the living room and sat down before getting out my phone to text him.

11:07 {Hey, do you want to talk about it?)
            (What the fuck was that about?} 11:08
11:08 {I don’t know Nathan, maybe it was the shots. It doesn’t have to mean anything)
            (Mean anything? It was you who kissed me Christian.} 11:10
11:11 {Kissed you? Nathan you had me by the back of my head. That took two of us)
            (Oh go fuck yourself Christian. I had nothing to do with it. Leave me the fuck alone} 11:13

            I threw my phone to the side. I didn’t want to look at it, nor did I want to talk to him. He grabbed me. And what the hell even was that? Were we drunk? Do we like each other? No. It was the drink. We’re both straight. Nathan had been with girls. So had I. He even gave me the friends of some of the girls he managed to get with. No. It was definitely the drink.
            I sat there not knowing what to do, who to talk to about it. I mean what would most of our friends think if I turned around and told them Nathan and I had been tongue wrestling after a drink we had and now we’re no longer speaking. They would probably not talk to us either.
            Ten minutes passed. Twenty minutes passed. An hour passed. I still stayed sat there, staring into empty space. Not really thinking anything. It was coming up to half twelve and I was getting tired; I felt my eyes becoming heavy and bed was calling me. I got out of the chair wandering to the bathroom. I’d worry about the drinks on the table in the morning not to mention Nathan, for now I just wanted to brush my teeth and get into bed.
            I stepped out into the hallway and began walking to the bathroom. Just as I was about to turn the corner I heard a knock on the window. “Fuck,” I swore. I turned, my heart now racing. Who on earth would be knocking the window at this time of night. My parents weren’t due back until Sunday morning, it would be the most polite burglar I’ve ever had the privilege to meet. It could only be Nathan, somehow the burglar didn’t seem so bad.
            I walked to the door and opened it, the cold air invaded my house once again. We stared at each other not knowing what to say or do. He stepped towards me, lifting his hand weakly towards mine. Our fingers met, and held the others without gripping, slotting together like two hooks. It was somehow comforting. Nathan leant in to kiss me. What was he doing? Over an hour ago it was my fault, he was telling me to get lost and now he wants to kiss me.
            “Nate.”
            He hushed me, like a mother hushes a baby. A soft tender ‘shh’ easing my nerves and willing me to reciprocate. We kissed. Slow, single lip kisses. Tender, sweet. He stopped and we stood forehead to forehead. He had his right hand on the back of my head again, and his left on the side of my face.
            “Nathan, what’s going on?”
            He kissed me in reply.
            “Yeah, I know that but why?”
            He looked away from me, still holding my head.
            “Nate?”
            “Do you want this?” he answered.
            “What?”
            “Do you want this?”
            “Nathan,” I didn’t know what to say.
            “I want this,” he turned and looked me in the eyes again.
            “Nathan,” I didn’t have the words. I wanted to kiss him again, I wanted to hold him, and I couldn’t remember ever wanting someone so much before. Yet here I was and this is how I felt.
            “It’s okay Christian, if we both want this what does it matter? Just do what we feel.”
            I kissed him, slowly getting more passionate and with more and more frenzy. Nothing seemed to matter when we were kissing, because I couldn’t remember anything feeling so right. Nathan stopped and stepped back away from me. That mischievous grin on his face, and the blue in his eyes shining all the brighter. He got out with his phone and fiddled with it before putting it to his ear.
            “Hello… Hey, yeah, sorry it’s late… I know mum… Yeah… Well I was just going to let you know that I’m not coming home tonight, I’d have called you sooner but something came up,” he winked at me. “Yeah… Yeah… I’m sleeping over at Christian’s… Yeah… Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow. Yeah… I know, you too. Bye… Bye.”
            He put his phone into his pocket before pushing me into the hallway, closing the door behind him. We kissed again against the wall. He had his right hand cradling my head once again and his left pinned me against the wall. We stopped and giggled, like two girls who would be texting and pointing Nathan’s direction.
            “So eh, who said you were staying over and where are you sleeping?” I joked. He bit his tongue and exhaled air as he smiled. I grabbed his left hand from my chest and began walking the direction of my room. Neither of us had any clue about what we were doing. We just knew that it felt right, and neither of us wanted to be the one who said ‘no’.

~*~*~*~

Davie Magill

Poppy Seeds

Poppy Seeds

Whispering winds through fields. Whispering how I’m meant to feel.
Bird’s call in the chime. I know it’s the time. I know it’s the time.
Time for never again. Time for stay, time for go. Time for saying it all.
Perhaps my mistake, is in the fields. Perhaps it is disguised.
Disguised by a veil. Of amber and gold. The sunflowers in the fields.
They turn, they follow the sun. But they are lost at night. With only the cold. The sunflowers grow old.
Like I do with time. Time makes it worse, it cuts out my chest.
My heart is in my hands. I don’t know what to do. What is there left to do?

I think I’m losing my mind.
My body and soul they lie in the fields. Amongst the poppy seeds.
While I’m inside looking on. Inside of my home, my living hell. My room a prison cell.
A room blocked off from all in the fields. I think I’m losing it all.
My body, my soul they lie in the fields, amongst those poppy seeds.
My body, my soul.
They lie in the fields. Amongst those poppy seeds.

I seem to have misplaced my love.
They’re trapped in rose bush thorns.
My body is covered in blood.
It lies there in those poppy fields.
With love stuck there in the thorns.
My heart still in my hands. Blood pouring from my chest.
What can I do. This pumping charm. It lies here in my hand.
No love can take it, while trapped in thorns.
To keep it safe. It needs kept safe.
Before I say goodbye.
I can’t say goodbye, when I’m kept safe. Please save me from these harms.

I’m stuck in here alive. Looking out to fields.
I see my body and soul. They rest, inside those poppy fields. They lie amongst the seeds.
A graveyard lying low. Were soldiers once were felled.
Buried below, the fields growing lead.
Beneath the bullets spread.
These poppy seeds they cut me down. Perhaps I chose to die.
I gave up hope, when I lost my love. Amongst those rosey thorns.
While I was trapped. I must look on. Before it is goodbye.

This heart in my hand. It whispers that I can.
It tells me, to squeeze it tight.
I hold it, with my might.
Don’t give up this fight. Give into this fight.
I begin to turn around. Away from the fields.
I don’t know why.
I think I’m losing it all. My love. My body. My soul.
I leave this prison cell. I slip between the bars.
Bars made to hold bodies inside. But I am the spirit of man.
I slip between the cracks. Into the broken land.
My heart in my hand. It’s still beating in my hand.

I come across a knife. It whispers to me. Like blades of grass.
I understand it’s time.
I tell my heart goodbye.
The tears on my face make pools.
But spirits are immaterial things.
I stab my beating heart. The beating slowly fades. It’s broken.
It broke long before. It stopped whenever I lost my love.
Now I have lost my life.
So I must say goodbye.
Goodbye to my body and soul. Goodbye to my love. Goodbye to my life.

Now I must say it all.
Hello to the world. This wonderful life.
And so I start again.
Following like those sunflowers.
This little tiny seed.
Where is my mind? Where’s all I need.
Not here. It’s gone. Trapped amongst those poppy seeds.
Perhaps I’ll never die. I’ve already said goodbye.
Let me find my love. My body, my soul, immaterial things.
I need my life to love. I need love to live.
I am a sunflower, following a sun.
Without it I am lost. When I’m lost I’ll be in poppy seeds.
And that’s when we’ll start again.
Until then I’ll be waiting, inside my prison cell.
Inside this living hell.

Davie Magill

Drop

Drop

As I step onto that chair,
The only object between myself and the air.
That chair.
The wooden legs beginning to warp in the heat of my house.
Or maybe because of the weight it carries.
Because I’ve been here before.
Standing looking down to the floor.
Looking at the flaking paint on the chair.
Knowing it needs a new coat.
But it’ll never feel the warmth of the paint it needs.
I bet it wishes it were a boat.
Sailing the waves, braving the sea.
A boat will be remembered. A chair,
Forgotten.
Just like me.
Standing on the chair knowing I’ll not stand here again.
Because I’ve tried so many times before,
But now I give in.
The knots in my stomach seem to mirror who I stand on.
Still looking to my partner.
The chair.
Looking closer to the texture, the valleys and the holes that have been left.
Like age affects us all not just human life.
Maybe the chair needs a loving wife?
Perhaps that’s what I needed.
A wife.
Maybe then the condemnation wouldn’t be so bad.
But in relation to the subtle differences.
The nuances of every man, we know we all feel condemnation.
For simply being ourselves.
Tell me you know God.
Tell me he won’t judge.
He condemns us, just like man.
He decides between heaven and hell.
Perhaps by judging, he doesn’t deserve to live where he lives.
But he does. And men do. We judge.
Not because we mean to.
We just do.
And we always will.
And I’ll be judged for not having a wife.
I once had you.
My man.
But now,
I have my chair.
I want to impress you, so I dress up.
A necklace hanging from my ceiling.
A rope.
I know I want to look my best.
So I wear it.
Hello rope.
Maybe you’ll be my new love.
I know around my neck you’ll catch me when I fall.
Not many men would catch you.
Not even that chair.
He’ll leave me hanging in the air.
And you’ll wrap yourself around me.
You’ll cuddle me.
You’ll rock me when I sleep.
Sing me some swing, rope.
Give me some hope.
I look across to the note I left.
Telling you why I did it.
Picturing you, teary eyed,
Reading out my fears.
My fear of life.
Because I cannot walk around without a name.
I don’t want the attention, or the fame.
Not for being like this.
Sometimes life, is just taking the piss.
And all I can do is smile.
And I don’t even feel like it.
So ask me why?
Why I never said goodbye,
Because I never had anyone to say goodbye to.
So I wrote you this letter,
Don’t cry.
If I was there I’d wipe that tear,
Dripping from your eye.
I loved you, but I lost you.
And maybe you lost me,
Slipping through the cracks on the high way.
Bound to this never ending road.
But it isn’t the end.
Don’t mourne me, or feel sorrow in my loss.
Get up, move on.
I’m not worth this anymore.
I’m still beside you,
Inside you, holding on,
Clinging to you, like a leech in search of love.
And someday you’ll feel my spirit leave.
Because I’ll not be here anymore.
I’ll be gone. A photograph, a note, this letter.
They’ll be me. But I’ll not be with them.
Because I’m slipping away between heaven and hell.
That’s where you found me.
And I know I’ll not belong.
Because I never belonged in life.
A constant outcast.
A bud that never blossomed, but seemed to grow.
And now you know, why I couldn’t say goodbye.
Goodbye.
Hello rope.
Will you hold me as I fall?
What’s that?
You hear an angel call?
I hear him too.
Goodbye rope.
Goodbye chair.
Just leave me hanging, in the air.
Just let, my life,
Stop.

Drop.

Davie Magill